BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August.
Here he describes nearing the end of radiotherapy.
I am running down the home straight of the first lap of my treatment.
I have only four radiotherapy sessions left to go, though it will be many weeks before I learn what effect the treatment has had.
The prospect of starting chemotherapy in less than three weeks is a daunting one.
The drugs I will take are very powerful and though I have had plenty of reassurance from my doctor about how well I will tolerate the side effects, I cannot help being slightly nervous.
Coming off the drugs
So far I have felt 100% fit. But now I have stopped taking the steroids I was given to control swelling in and around my brain.
One of the many side effects of steroids is that they do tend to keep you awake.
Deprived of the steroid boost, the side effects of my daily dose of radiation are starting to kick in.
I often feel tired during the day and doze off for five minutes now and then, sometimes on my way to the hospital.
It is not alarming to feel the tiredness coming on. Like having my hair fall out, it is a sign that something is happening.
Now that my various bald patches have all combined, I look like a poor man’s Ronaldo.
I am happy that I have had such an easy ride so far and I am looking forward to trying to get away for a few days in the gap between the radiotherapy ending and the chemotherapy beginning.
Now I am off all medication apart from the cocktail of vitamins I take every morning.
And healthy eating is proving far less of a trauma than one might expect for a man whose first choice is steak and chips.
Waiting for the breakthroughs
There has been plenty to think about. Suddenly I cannot ignore all the news stories about the latest advances in cancer research.
It is awkward to hear of research results which are naturally good news but will not actually result in a direct improvement in survival rates for several years.
Not everything billed as a “breakthrough” feels that way when you plan ahead in weeks and months, not years.
There are many good reasons why the worlds of science and drug development move slowly, but they are less easy to accept when time is such a precious thing.
Every week someone comes up with a way of improving the treatment of a particular type of cancer and every week the odds shift a little more in favour of the human race and against cancer in all its form.
But I cannot help wishing they would shift more quickly.
Four new teeth
Our little girl turned nine months old this week.
She has four new teeth to go with the two she already has and has learned to pull herself upright and stagger around holding on to whatever is in her grasp.
I am delighted that she is developing so quickly and I am proud of the way she takes on the world with such energy and enthusiasm.
Thinking about her future, though, is the thing I find the hardest.
Despite all my optimism, I have to bear in mind the possibility that the tumour might in the end get the better of me.
I am determined that it will not, but I cannot escape thinking now and then that she might grow up without me.
That is the one single thing that leaves me fighting back tears.
But then for every time that happens, there are ten more that she and her mother make me crack a smile.
Ten more times when I realise what exactly I am fighting for.
I am touched, encouraged and grateful for the response to this column.
Receiving encouragement and tales of recovery from all over the world is a privilege most cancer patients do not have.
It is a great source of strength. I will do all I can to repay the generosity shown me with a happy end to this column.
Your e-mails to Ivan
I was shocked to learn that I had a cancerous saliva gland in my upper hard palate just over three years ago. I had 21 hours of surgery, and all the ugly stuff they gloss over in the medical briefings – they are now just memories of my own personal “millennium project”. I had a 30-second “Is it worth it?” period as I awoke from surgery at around 4am but decided I really wanted to see how things turned out with my wife and three daughters. I grump around occasionally, but it’s all show; I am enjoying every second of this time. Stay well.
Dave Wilson,
Canada
As always Ivan, I read and applaud you. Your little girl, your wife… they have someone to be proud of in their lives.
Mel,
London
I am an engineer and father of four and at 35 years old I am just starting a career change by studying an MSc in Medical Physics with a heavy radiotherapy bias. Your articles have fascinated, motivated and touched me and your courage in facing your future is admirable. I am also a Christian and I am praying for your recovery and for your family. I would also encourage you to use this time to get to know God. Put your faith in Him, and He will bring healing; trust Him – He loves you.
Andrew,
England
It’s amazing to see the exact same thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing having undergone radiotherapy for a month and awaiting surgery next week. My thoughts are with you Ivan and I wish you the very best. Retail therapy is indeed a valuable filler for those breaks between conventional treatment…
Daniel Freeman,
Australia
I have been following your story and wish you all the best. Don’t go to a football match with that haircut – you’ll get arrested.
Denise,
UK
Keep faith even when the tides seem to be over running you. With faith, half the work is done.
Eva, Kampala,
Uganda
I had three rounds of chemo for acute leukaemia in 1996 – I have now been in remission for six years. Chemo is hard work and there will be times when you feel like giving up, but rest assured it does get easier, I promise. Good luck, I have everything crossed for you.
Nat,
UK
I was confronted with brain tumours 11 months ago when my mother was told she has glioblastom multifokal. We rely on standard medicine and did not try any exotic methods. Result: My mother is still alive and doing well. She went nearly blind from the tumour, but after that it apparently did not make further progress. For the last five months she is constantly conquering back parts of her life (walking, knitting, going to restaurants…) So keep your confidence in standard medicine – and spare yourself to try everything everybody is telling you.
Rainer Klose,
Switzerland
If it is a question of mind over matter then I have no doubt you will get through this.
Alice,
UK
I am a cancer researcher working on developing new drugs for cancer treatment, and I do this in the hope that one day something I do will benefit someone like you. Hearing your story inspires me to try harder.
Robert Heald,
Brit in the USA
Reading your regular columns fills me with a mixture of sadness and joy. I admire your attitude to life. I’m not sure that I could have an approach as matter of fact and positive as yours. I hope your baby girl inherits your outlook.
Chris Wood,
Birmingham, UK
My mum has the same tumour as you. Her radiotherapy has just come to as end and I’ve seen you at the Cromwell hospital when I’ve taken her (hadn’t read the diary or else would have said hello). By writing this diary you are giving comfort and hope to other patients and their families and I just wanted to say thank you and let you know that we understand exactly what you are going through. xxxxx
Caroline,
England
I hope stories like yours encourage the media to focus more on health and less on trivial matters such as ‘Robbie’s drug problem’… If all the energy and commitment were directed at the advancement of medicine for terminal diseases, and less on breast implants, it would benefit humankind.
Matt,
USA
Usually I read and think nothing of the writer as they are not… well, friends. Ivan, rest assured you’ll be in my thoughts now, stay strong and get well, friend.
Jay,
UK
I propose 20 October as an Ivan Day. All of us who read his column, admire and care for him, send him our best thoughts, love and good wishes. Let’s say… at 12:00 GMT. What do you all think about it? PS: I tried it with my family when I emigrated to Canada and it made a real difference in my life.
Oana,
Canada
I read your comments weekly to understand better the radiotherapy my brother Richard is about to start on Monday. His diagnosis mirrors yours. Your fighting spirit is encouraging, keep it up.
Karen James,
UK
Check out the herb Astragalus – it boosts the immune system and has been shown to be effective for people undergoing chemotherapy for cancer – good luck
Steve Farrell,
UK
I do not have cancer but I am a doctor and I always get inspired with patients like you and I get strength to look after my own patients better.
May God help you in any possible way.
Anon,
Canada
I too have a brain tumour but slow growing. Some days, “slow” is the key word in my life and others it is “growing”. I too have a little girl and find it hard to think about her future and the real possibility of not being part of it. It is also what keeps me going. I wish you strength and a cure for us all.
Anne,
France
Time and again I forget how fortunate I am to have a healthy family. And when I do that I make life overcomplicated. Ivan, you are a source of inspiration to me, and many others I am sure, healthy or not.
I hope I am helping you with my positive thoughts.
Be sure you have already helped me; I too have a young family and stopped smoking three days after I read your column.
Best wishes, keep in touch.
Stanislas Hutten Czapski,
UK
My aunt is just coming to the end of her chemo treatment and I have found your comments most helpful in understanding what she is going through. A very private person, it has been difficult to get her to open up to us and let us help. Thanks, we all appreciate your candidness.
Nat,
UK
With so much negative news of human behaviour I find the thoughts you share with us life affirming. You should be nominated for journalist of the year.
Bill,
UK
You shouldn’t be thanking everyone for mailing you. Writing this column is a hugely brave and courageous thing to undertake. There are no words fit for a response except get better soon, so we can read more of your great articles. xxx
Abbie,
United Kingdom
Dear Ivan, my two cents – try Reiki, find yourself a reputable practitioner. Maybe you could learn it (first level should take only two days) then you could give yourself Reiki anytime anywhere while having treatment. Keep fighting.
Jarka,
Australia
If you are worried about side effects, try the Royal Homoeopathic Hospital. They do great work in helping to combat side effects and symptoms – even if it is taking rescue remedy while waiting for test results.
I’m holding thumbs for you.
Brigid,
London
I viewed my year of chemo (completed five years ago) as a short-term unpleasant task in achieving a long-term goal. In my experience most of the side effects were reduced or altogether alleviated by different drugs and pills – though I do remember feeling like the most alive, springy person on earth when the course ended. I think being young also helps in coping with the side effects (I was 25 at the time). I was reading for my Masters degree at the time and everyone told me that I should defer my studies until the chemo was over, but I was determined to do both (which I did). All the best – you certainly have the right attitude to take all of this on.
David,
England
Your column has provided me with an insight into both sides of treatment – medical and emotional, and I must congratulate you on how well you’re coping. I wish you all the best mate.
Matt,
London, United Kingdom
I am sure many will benefit from your experience, either patients or friends or relatives to patients. What has touched me most in your reports: the importance you give to the love shown around you. How often do we love without saying it… thinking that it is obvious? Thanks for this lesson of courage and love… You can be assured of my best wishes and prayers.
Blandine,
France
There is a chapter in Full House by Stephen J Gould in which he describes his cancer and how he looked at his chances of survival. I found it very helpful when I had to have a kidney removed – still do 22 months later. Keep fighting.
Ian Mackrell,
UK
Common understanding is priceless, so you’re doing sterling work. I’ve enjoyed reading your column, it’s important to voice such experiences. I’m praying for you buddy, and I do get these gut feelings from time to time. This particular one is that you’ll pull through just fine.
Christian,
Sussex, England
Please know that I and my family (I also have a daughter) will keep you in our prayers over the coming weeks. Be strong in your resolve and serene in your spirit.
Blessings on you and on your family.
Clive Collins,
Japan
Reading your column, whilst sitting at work puts things back into perspective – a real corny remark – but it’s true, it does. One forgets so quickly about the important things in life to be fully occupied by minor problems. All my best wishes for the future of your treatment – my prayers are with you. xxx
Chantal,
UK
Keep smiling for the two girls in your life. Reading your column is so inspiring. I’ll follow your progress back to good health, every step of the way. May the happy ending come sooner than ever expected.
Jo Stewart,
England
I hope sharing your experience with us is proving to be a comfort for you and not a trial. So many readers are rooting for you. As the mother of an 11-year-old who had an abdominal tumour removed when he was a toddler, and was given at best a 50% chance of survival, I can understand something of what you are facing. Take each day as it comes, the good and the bad. That beautiful family of yours will, I am sure, make all the difference.
Caring thoughts,
Joey Clarke,
England
I don’t know you, but have a 21-month-old daughter and can empathise with your fatherly feelings. I felt moved to tell you to keep fighting and keep thinking positively. You’re a courageous man Ivan.
Steve,
Sheffield, UK
This column will inspire your little girl in years to come. It will show her how brave her daddy is and how much she is loved. I look forward to the happy ending. x
Lynn,
UK
You have a huge wave of support and courage being sent from your readers. Harness it and beat that thing.
Emma,
Switzerland
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